Basically all I can keep up with these days is school, homework, and baby. My mantle has been bare since Christmas came down (the shame!), our back room is filled with random stuff that needs sorting, and Tony has been completely taking care of the house these days (without complaint, I might add)... Blogging is sooo lacking and I hate it. But I wanted to write up something quickly that's been floating through my mind lately - and guess what? - it has to do with babies. :)
Mompetition. I think that's the word at least. I did some googling with mixed results. But basically it's that thing I've heard about from friends and bloggers alike where moms feel the need to compete with each other or have their babies compete in some imaginary race to milestones or greatness or whatnot. I don't know.
But basically I'm engaged in this competition all by myself. Like a total crazy pregnant person. I'm not sure if it even counts when your baby is still a tiny lemon-sized inside-baby. But I'm calling it that, regardless.
Bear with my crazy. I'm competing with moms who have no idea they are competing... and winning... in my head.
So I said it from the beginning - I've always looked so forward to being pregnant and sporting a big old belly. I've never been thin, and besides the seasonal "oh man I should lose some weight but I'm lazy" thoughts in my head, I've never been one to be overly concerned with body image. But I feel like I'm huge already - and I find myself comparing my bulging belly to any and every expectant mother I can find out there. It seems like everyone is pregnant, in blogland and real life (which is fun!), but that means there's a lot to compare to.
I'm plagued (again, like a crazy person) by fears that I'm getting too big too fast (even though I've only gained a few pounds) or that my belly is bigger than it should be this far along. Crazy, I know. I've got to sound so ridiculous and maddening, to those who are trying to have a baby or those who are worrying that they aren't showing enough. But it's how I've been feeling. I feel self-conscious around those who I fear are judging me. I know that every body handles pregnancy differently, but I feel the need to tack on a few extra weeks each time someone asks how far along I am... It doesn't help that I keep hearing, "Are you sure there aren't two in there??"
It has nothing to do with not loving my body - it's all about the mompetition - feeling like I'm somehow not doing it right, even this early in the game. My jeans were insanely tight at about 8 weeks - some people are practically giving birth wearing their regular clothes. I seriously saw this picture - of a SUPERMODEL at five months - and felt bad about myself! When else would I EVER feel the need to compare myself to a SUPERMODEL???
So lame, I know! Promise, the whining is almost over!
So, the thing is - at home - I love my big pregnant belly. I'm constantly pointing to it or making Tony feel how solid it is. Why can't I get over the crazy and realize that I should embrace this, regardless of what others might be thinking - even though the likelihood is, they are thinking nothing but positive??
This is absolutely not a plea for compliments or anything of the sort. Just wanted to put my feelings out there. Maybe those of you who have been knocked up had crazy feelings like this too?? :) Now that I've put it out there, I'm determined not to feel ashamed of my maternity leggings - regardless of how far along I am. Thanks for bearing with me.